someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
is there an easy way to say "i didnt plan on sleeping with you until i saw how drunk you were" ?
She just used a chaser for red wine.
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
Randomize
