There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
I'm making a quesadilla and including it in the picture because that's the only way I think I can send her dick pics.
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
Randomize
