I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
There's a Sam Adams brew house. How were we not supposed to go
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
I mean I've seen her tits but I don't know what her voice sounds like
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
Randomize
