i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
walking on gravel proved too much for her barefeet so she traded her bra for some guys sneakers.
he keeps commenting everything on my facebook. it's like he's virtually peeing on me
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
she looks like she scalped a horse for her weave
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
I think its awesome that i just got you to cheer for sex
Well sex is awesome. Sex deserves cheers.
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
he was like captain planet, but less blue and more nakeed
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
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