I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
Just threw the poptarts. Sgits boutta go Down. 1 liter of wine
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
okay just a general question, but if i got arrested, who here would bail me out. this is important.
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
Randomize
