I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
Randomize
