If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
Maybe i should go to church more so i can meet girls like in that song, you know, the ones that act slutty on every day but sunday...
ah, so the catholic church. i gotcha
he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
her facebook's as public as her vagina
Pretty sure that this text will cost me like $5 but just wanted you to know that I just smoked a bowl of kush, about to walk around shopping for hookers and i get 3 credit hours for this study abroad .... have fun studying for finals.
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
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