it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
Randomize
