i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
Should I have kids to fix a relationship??
tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
You have proved your worthiness to join me on the quest of taking shots at every academic building on campus by showing up drunk to our test at 12:30 today
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
me + whiskey = a bad person
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
I just found a nug casually in my room under my duffel bag. Is this a sign I need help?
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
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