and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
LMAO. Stop. Men are such gentleman these days. I woke up with no one beside me and you got 6 cents
6 cents and no orgasm đđ»đ
We are so blessed
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
Nobody cheats on THIS.
He heard our neighborâs vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now theyâre doing it
The blonde?!? Thatâs just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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