Last night was def like the makeout party episode of full house
just masturbated through my pocket at the library. hope you're enjoying your saturday night out.
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
Welcome to the first annual slutathon and let the men be ever in our favor
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
I never thought I could be this turned on by a man wearing racoon tails.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
I mean, I was going to use them for a beading project, but I guess I could take one and let you bat my dick around like a cat toy.
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
