i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
wait, do i give off the impression that i DON'T want girls to show me their boobs if i video chat with them?
all i know is i woke up with a braid in my hair and i vaguely remember a cab driver telling me he would give me $10,000 to get him a green card. and he would take me to turkey. and give me free cab rides. im never drinking on my medicine again. lol.
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
I think they're German
Just say lederhosen and see what happens
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
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