it doesn't get any better than taco bell and soft core porn
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
Oh I fucked him, definitely. We played Strip Halo.
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
She needs to move out. Her mom interferes with my penis being touched
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