my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
So should I finish watching Space Jam and then get head? Or get head while secretly watching Space Jam?
With me living this close to Mexico now, Tequila is just a geographical choice at this point if nothing else.
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
Randomize
