Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
Sounds good. I'm hoping to have my life together by next week but you never know I guess.
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
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