Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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