when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
Made a visit to my old puking stall. I missed it.
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
when i woke up with rugburns on the tops of my feet, knees, and chin i was a little confused. and then i remembered i had sex with him in his friends walk in closet.
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
