oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
the question is "speedos?" and the answer is "yes".
I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
he is sitting in the driveway by himself laughing at nothing, idk what to do
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
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