You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
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