I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
hes 24 and dating a highschool junior and keeps saying how happy he is. happy about what? her ACT score??
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
vagina is talking i cant
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
the puppy had a little leather gag and was using a ball gag as a fetch toy
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.