'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
The convent might be a nice break from real life
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
Randomize
