I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
It was odd. His friends dick tasted the same as his. Friends are beginning to have to much in common
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
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