The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
I did the walk of shame wearing his scrubs. Fucking med school students is the way to go.
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
The airport has the best people watching and munches... It should be a destination drinking location
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
Will you trust fall hold me, so I can pee of this building.
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
Randomize
