Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
i sent him a nude and he responded 6 hours later
what did he say?
"oh m god,,, whow '!!!!nm"
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
Randomize
