just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
Randomize
