Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
no, its his 'welcome back from rehab' party.
I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
We have a little not a lot. We already rolled a blunt and named him Ron.
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
Randomize
