and by charming I mean he has a horse cock.
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
Its like Gods punishment for wanting to party
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