He said if I blew him first he'd last longer....if 3 minutes is lasting longer, I'm not sure the bj was worth it
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
Let the healthy eats/juice cleanse begin. Today is day 1
Have you cleansed yourself of the boy yet?
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
Randomize
