I want 2 things right now, you or a cig
cig
just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
Apparently there's nothing on sonza for "giving a handjob while sunbathing"
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
Its a good night when you make $200 and didn't have to see any balls
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
Randomize
