nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
So gin and wine won't be happening again
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
I like your optimism Chelsea but I'm not about getting my salad tossed
Lo siento on account of my penis...
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Randomize
