then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
i think i would be more confident if i were chinese.
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
Haha he puts me in a mood mix of annoyed and... "just get in my pants"
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
I just took a plan B pill with my preworkout. That's the level I'm on today.
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
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