Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
Do you think the new Crest Whitestrips Advance Seal would stay on while I give him head? It would be great to knock out 2 things at once...
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
Relaxed was like phase 1 of this phase 7 high
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
