please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
cant go down on her man, her vagoo reminds me of a face hugger from aliens
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
HOW MANY BOYS NOT ONLY APPROVE OF YOUR PLAN TO BECOME POCAHONTAS, BUT WANT TO MAKE SURE YOU DO IT RIGHT? One, the answer is one, and he is the best and if anyone ever tries to steal him I can assure you they will never be heard from again
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
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