I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
I think Charlie st. Cloud is the saddest thing I can masturbate to.
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
Believe me. As soon as the boss man is out the door. I am on my way to wow your vagina with my horse-like attributes.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
You can come over but I have to warn you that it is naked Sunday.
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Randomize
