He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
Come on in and take your pants off
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