He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
it's like heaven, but drunker
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
He was gone when I woke up. But he left skid marks on my sheets and our unopened bottle of Titos is missing
New Rule: No more sleepovers with guys we met on Reddit
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