this is amy. the small petlike person from the womens bathroom at the reef.
angela screamed across the room SHES A CHAMP when i told the pharmacist plan b doesnt make me throw up
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
Randomize
