Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
you kept searching pizza on facebook and becoming a fan of each page dedicated to it
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
so some random man just messaged me on facebook "tig ol bitties" should i be concerned?
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
My heart wants him and my vagina wants him...to have a bigger dick.
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
Randomize
