oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
Actions speak louder than pants.
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
Turning 21 will be slightly bittersweet. Never again will I be able to get underage drunk at Disney World, now I'll only be able to get legal drunk and that just sets a whole different and sad tone for my life.
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
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