Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
Are we in a gay sports bar?
I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
they started a semi-successful rumor that toby keith died. who says fraternities don't have goals
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
Randomize
