Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
Even my vagina gasped.
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
Randomize
