Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
he acted like he had never seen anyone snort lines of adderall off of a microwave before. freshman.
Just climbed to the top of a frozen waterfall! Do you want to do drugs tm night? The two are unrelated.
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
Dude she literally licked him. He was covered in cheese and in her high state what else was she gonna do?
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
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