If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
were not allowed back there because i puked on the waitresses foot while trying to order another round. for myself.
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
Randomize
