This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
Randomize
