Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
only you would photoshop your dick
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
I also woke up in a guys bed in a Reptar shirt yesterday morning staring at a movie theater sized poster of the not as popular Air Bud franchise movie Super Buddies.
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
Randomize
