I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
My only options right now are Herpes, Gay, or Vanilla.
Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
rhymes with "ouble enetration"
he spent the whole night trying to convince me into a2m. i won't even use the pb til i clean the jelly knife. i love him but it's not going to happen.
worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
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