Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
he wont speak to me right now because i told him it must suck knowing he'll never be as good as edward cullen..idiot.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
Blood and glitter go together right?
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
We need to know if his feet match his cock.
Randomize
