Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
people are starting to question the shark bite story
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
now that we broke up we are playing hot potato with the cock ring.. Poor thing just needs a home
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
we should paint friendship bongs
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
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