i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
ANNA YOU PEED ON THE STREET. LIKE NOT EVEN SUBTLY. YA JUST SQUATTED IN THE MIDDLE OF THE HIGHWAY. And you flashed your tits to oncoming vehicles to try to get them to pick us up
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
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