Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
We fist bumped behind their backs while drunk hooking up with them... Do other girls do this too? Or is it just us?
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
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