I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
Speaking of gay, some dude in a life vest just goes, we should pull our dicks out! To larry. Were leaving now. I saw penis
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
Randomize
