nut hugger
I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
well when do great stories at the expense of people's relationships become a bad thing?
Be still, my beating vagina.
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
"willing to pay anyone fun whos willing to hang out and laugh at my jokes while my friends are MIA" is this to desperate?
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
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