Sometimes I find that I've been touching my boob(s) without even realizing it.
I woke up, not remembering how or when or why i was even there and looked over to find Steph spooning with an adult black man.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
I need a genital shamwow being this wet.
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
Randomize
