I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
A gentleman never tells..... therefore i will neither confirm nor deny the attatched photos
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
Randomize
