Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
I am undressing in in n out. They migit ca5l security. Are you provn d6 me?
OH MY GOD. SO PROUD.
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
lol i'm looking through my photos and there's this giant section of just dudes wearing murses
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
Randomize
