Fake titties should be able inflate and deflate like tires. So on Saturday you can put on your Double D hooker titties or Sunday put on your size B church tits.
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
Randomize
