i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
were talking about masturbation in my pysc class. He says it's healthy. I'm gonna live forever
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
is there a reason why there is cup of piss in the fridge?
no
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
Randomize
