from now on my penis is your penis
Any toy can be an adult toy. Location, location, location.
I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
Randomize
